A Quartermaine Christmas Carol

From: mncawnbe@aol.com (Jami)
Subject: A Quartermaine Christmas Carol
Date: 18 Aug 1996 18:15:00

A Quartermaine Christmas Carol

Although it's true, no one quite knows the reason
That odd things will happen during the Christmas season.
Now come little children, come out of the rain
And hear the strange story of Edward Quartermaine.

It was the night before Christmas, and just as before
Dear Mr. Quartermaine was in a complete roar.
"You're a screw-up," he shouted to grandson AJ.
"Do me a favor and just go away!"

He blamed poor Lois for Ned's business mistakes
And tried to put Ned's head on a stake
"Get a life," he told Jason, who wasn't quite up to snuff.
When Emily protested, "It's Chrismas," Ed cried, "Shut up!"

He told his own son to go soak his head
Drank four martinis and then went to bed 
Dragged out of his sleep when he heard a noise at the door
Edward gasped in surprise at the ghost on the floor!

"Why, cousin Herbert, you've been dead several years.
What the heck are you doing back here?"
"I've come to warn you, oh Edward, my friend
Three ghosts come to see you before the night's end.

Christmas past, present and future will take you on a trip
To show you why you'd better straighten up quick!
If you don't improve on your terrible mood
Then tragedy will strike the rest of your brood."

Edward laughed, rolled over and went back to sleep
Convinced he'd seen the last of that creep.
But a few minutes later  the window blew open
As the Ghost of Christmas Past came in.

"Wake up, you fool," the pretty ghost said.
"Let me show you the good life before you are dead."
The ghost showed Edward a sweet Christmas morn
That happened a few years after Alan'd been born.

Alan and Tracy were playing under the tree
"Who's that man with the train?  Oh my goodness!  That's me!"

Edward's old heart was serene
At the sight of this happy warm family scene.

But soon the Edward of that Christmas gone by
Got off the floor and said, "Well, goodbye."
"There's work to be done, stuff I gotta do
It may be Christmas, but I'm off to ELQ."

The ghost turned to Edward with a look of disgust
"I can't blame him," Ed said, "it's work or go bust."
"Christmas is nice with the gifts and the cheer
But I can see my kids any day of the year."

The ghost smiled a sad ghostly grin.
"I guess you weren't moved.  I'll take you back in."
Back to the bedroom went the ghost and the Q
"Sleep fast, Mr. Quartermaine, they'll be another ghost to see you."

Edward climbed back in bed; hit the pillow with a thump
But soon felt a nasty slap on his rump!
"I'm the ghost of Christmas Present, what's happening now.
Get out of bed and see what you've done, pal!"

The ghost dragged Edward out by the ear
And put another slap on his rear.
Down to the gatehouse they flew on the air
To see what was going on down there.

Poor Lois lying on the sofa in tears
As Ned tried to allay his poor wife's fears.
"If he sends me away, I just won't go!
I'll resign before I move to Tokyo."

"But Nedley, you can't live without Edward's money
And you're spoiled little rich act will stop being so funny."
"Are you saying I can't stand on my own two feet?
I'll show you!  We'll live on the street!"

"I've seen enough," poor Edward groaned.
"Get me back to the house.  I need the phone."
Quick as a flash, they stood in the den
And watched as Alan and Monica fought yet again.

"Merry Christmas, what a joke!"  Monica said.
"I think all those commercials have gone to your head."
"It's Christmas, Monica, please let's not fight.
For Emily's sake, be nice for just one night."

"For Emily's sake, perhaps you should find a new hobby
Other than hooking up with women like Rhonda and Bobbie!"
Edward turned to ghost, "What am I supposed to see?"
"This fight has nothing to do with me."

"You're right, it's just such fun to see them at it again.
Well, let's see what's happening over in the den."
AJ was celebrating -- hey he's no meiser
His friends were Jack Daniels and a buddy named Weiser.

Edward scowled looking at his drunken grandson
"Of all the grandchildren, I had to get stuck with that one!"
"That's one way of looking at it, it's true
But he feels just as rotten at being stuck with you!"

The ghost returned Edward to bed, and as he fell asleep
The ghost gave him this message to keep:
"The next ghost is of Christmases yet to have past
You can keep them from happening, but you'd better act fast!"

When the ghost of Christmas future came, Edward wasn't prepared
The silent, skeletal ghost gave him quite a scare.
"Come on, get this over with," the old man sighed.
"You know, I haven't gotten all night."

The ghost lured him to the Quartermaine crypt
And Edward was shocked to see who was in it!
It wasn't the marker for AJ that startled him so
"I always knew an early death from drink was the way he'd go."

No, it was the sight of his own coffin out in the cold
That struck the old man in his heart, in his soul!
"Where are the mourners who're sad that I'm dead?
Where's Jason?  Where's Alan?  Where's Lois and Ned?"

"They're in the mansion, packing their stuff.
The mansion's being sold, estate taxes ate everything up."
"Oh my god!"  Edward cried.  "That's the worst thing I've heard all day!
Get me an accountant!  I need a new CPA!"

The ghost grimaced; he blew into the air
"Mr. Q, you died alone, don't you care?'

Edward dismissed him with a wave of his hand
"Everyone dies, even you, my good man."

I'd like to change the verse of that tired cliche
Death may be inevitable, but taxes?  No way!"
The ghost folded his arms, he started to sing,
"My dear Mr. Quartermaine, you haven't learned a thing.

"I thought our journey'd be over, this trip's usually the one
But with you, so much more work is to be done!"
Edward shook his head, his eyes were quite mean
Saw the open crypt, and shoved the ghost right in!

The moral of this story is, as Edward once said,
"As long as I'm rich, it's okay to be dead!"