Downbeat Stories

A New Year's Message from Friday Updater John R. Andrews, UIC

Well, update fans, this is the last update for the year 1995. The year had its ups and downs with the usual range of performances from great to mediocre (spell that Miguel), and news had it ratings were off due to the downbeat stories causing TPTB to drop some ideas for story lines. In fact, I have managed to get hold of several of the proposed plot lines that were discarded for fear of further viewer loss.

• Alan is diagnosed with a badly enlarged prostrate probably due to lack of use.

• Ruby's laser hemorhoid surgery goes badly awry when she absentmindedly eats a bowl of her chili before the operation.

• Amy's breast implant suddenly ruptures requiring major reconstructive surgery - to Mike's face.

• Tom reveals he actually was forced to leave Africa after he inadvertently tried to perform a gynecological exam on a local chieftain who subsequently ordered him to be neutered and fed to the baboons.

• Mac is arrested by Officer Johnson for solicitation when he is found roaming the docks accosting sailors dressed as Eve.

• Lucky and Sly's friendship takes an unexpected turn when Sly confides to Lucky that he finds Clark sexier than Lois.

  And the most depressing story abandoned was...

• A talentless hairy hunk-wannabee comes to PC and woos women and becomes a singing star. No, wait, sorry, they did that one.