Daily Updates

Subject:
Sent:        12/15/96 7:40 AM
From:        Jan Yarnot, jyarnot@netcom.com

THANKSGIVING IN PORT CHUCK

While this show was not a new episode in the Lucy-and-Sigmund-visit-PC
Thanksgiving series, it was hilarious in its own right and deserves a lot
of word-for-word transcription.  And I have had the flu, so I'm late.
Apologies.

Also, a quick comment that the actors must have had a lot of fun doing
this.  I suspect some of the funniest stuff was hammed up by them.  It
looked like a fun episode to do.  It was certainly fun to watch!

JAX GETS HIS JUST DESERTS

Brenda bounces into the Jacks' living room, handing Jax a drink.  "I am
SO excited about the start of our first holiday season as a married
couple!"  They kiss.  She asks if Australians celebrate Thanksgiving.
Jax says his family never did till they mobed to Alaska, and then "we
didn't eat dainty little birds.  Lady Jane usually bagged a moose..."
Brenda doesn't want to hear about that.. she gets up close and personal
as she tells him she's going to show him what Thanksgiving is about.  He
laughs, "How?  You're going to point to a picture?"  She says he
shouldn't make fun of her culinary expertise.  "You know I love you
madly, Brenda, but you don't have any."  She admits that while that may
be true, she's a whiz at room service.  There's a knock at the door.
It's Miranda, accompanied by violin music.

The music turns light and sprightly as the girls turn the mental age of
12 and chorus "HI!"  (It's all in upper register from here on out!)
Miranda: I'm early, I hope you don't mind.
Jax: Well, actually, Brender and I were planning on spending the day
alone together.
Brenda: No no no, I invited her.
J: You did?
B: Yes. (To M.) I just didn't expect you for another few hours.
M: I know, I just have this whole thing about being on time.  Besides,
ever since we started our little chat -- I just can't wait to finish it.
Br: Ooooh.
J: (alarmed) Chat?  What am I missing?
B: Oh, nothing.  I just called her up yesterday.  Well, what do you
expect, you've given us so much in common.
J: Uh... that's not necessarily true.
M: But it is.  I mean.. (looking at B) I feel so close to you.
B: You know what I feel like, I feel like we're sisters.
(They hug.  Your Fearless Updater hoped they'd burst into the song. Jax,
appalled, looks on.)
B: Did you bring your PJ's?
M: Yes (*giggle*)
B: Cool!
M: And you said you have tons of hair products.
B: Wait a minute!  I found THE hair color for you--
M: No!
B: I am NOT kidding you -- in a magazine-- (to Jax) Honey would you go
get us some wine be a dear-- red.
M: Oh? You think?
B: Red is THE color for the 90s.  This is what I read anyway.
M: I don't know...
B: It'd be perfect perfect perfect perfect with your skin color and your
eyes and everything.  You could do your eyebrows...
B: Let's get to the serious stuff.
M: All right.  I have been dying to ask you.  Upper inner thigh.
B: The mole.
Jax spills the drink he's pouring.
B: ...is the cutest thing I have ever seen in my whole entire life.
M: Have you ever wanted to just --- bite it--- to see if it would come off?
B: I cannot believe you are asking me this.
Jax, flustered: Ladies!  Wine!
Br: Oh, thank you sweetheart (forgets him, clinks glasses with Miranda)
Now has he ever asked you to (whispers in M's ear)
They shriek and giggle.
M: And then that whole weird backflip thing.
B: (gasp!) The backflip thing!  Oh, my God, the first time he ever asked
me to do that I thought he was joking.  I mean, I've never heard of
anything like that before, and trust me, I was NO virgin!
J: Whoa whoa whoa! Excuse me?  You know, I'm finding this whole topic
really inappropriate.
They both stare at him for a moment.  Then return to their conversation.
M: Have you ever gotten water*mumble*?
B: In the bathtub!
M: In the Ocean.
B: The Ocean!
She spills her wine on Miranda and apologizes.  She'll get Miranda
something to wear.  Miranda is in the wedding gown.
B: That looks SO fabulous on you! (to Jax) Honey, doesn't it look
fabulous on her?
J: You CAN'T be serious!
B: Well, LOOK at her!
J: You're actually letting her wear your wedding dress!
B: Well, yes, why wouldn't I?  I've already worn it!  (to M.)It looks SO
good on you!
M: It's so comfortable!
B: Take it!
They argue, and Jax comments that this is not making ANY sense!  (About
time TPTB noticed.  It's been making no sense for months!)
B&J: Did he try that oyster thing?  (glaring at Jax) He DID?
J: (muttering to himself) Uh-oh.  I'm dead.
M: You said that you created that just for me.
B: You told me that *I* was your inspiration.
M: Jax, you've got to get off the fence here.
B: It's either one of us or the other.
M: You cannot have us both...
B: You have to make a choice.

Sonny appears with a platter of mooseburgers.  Brenda and Miranda
complain.  Miranda: "Sonny, he won't pick one of us!"  Sonny responds:
"And you're surprised?  The guy's a wimp!"  He's brought duelling
pistols.  They start to count off and Brenda hugs and kisses Sonny,
muttering "Come here, baby, I'm going to get rid of him once and for all."
At "ten!" both Miranda and Brenda have their pistols leveled at Jax, who
looks particularly young as he shouts "WAIT! I can explain!"

He wakes up.  He's on an airplane.  Later, awake, he remembers Miranda
and Brenda.  Yawn.

[Your Fearless Updater liked Miranda in these scenes.  I think the
actress is getting used to the cast, and when she's given unwimpy unweepy
unwhiny lines to say, she does very well.]

COME ON IN! MAKE YOURSELF COMFORTABLE!

Kevin is watching football, sharing popcorn with Sigmund.  "Yo, LUCE!
I think I'm starting to get this now!" She comes in with some veggies and
is amazed he's watching football.  He belches.  "Oh, boy.  I'm starting
to get this craving for salami.  We have any?"  No, but she has this
lovely hors-d'ouevre tray.  Kevin yells at the TV: "Are you BLIND? Stupid
and blind? Oh my..." Lucy sits next to him asking for romantic music..
he's not listening, because he's standing up and cheering.  The doorbell
rings.  It's Felicia, accompanied by the same violin music.
Kevin: "Come on IN! Make yourself comfortable!"
Lucy is surprised, but Felicia says, "Where ELSE would I be on
Thanksgiving except with my bestest friends in the Whole Wide World?"
Kevin is waving someone in: "Come on IN! Make yourself comfortable!"
It's Tom.  "You're looking extremely obsessive compulsive today, Lucy!"
Lucy, confused, thanks him, and Kevin waves in someone: "Come on IN! Make
yourself comfortable!"  It's Mac.  "Hi, Lucy, what's for dinner?" She
starts to explain they weren't expecting everyone and Kevin yells: "Come
on IN! Make yourself comfortable!" to Katherine, who to the accompaniment
of spooky organ music says, "Mac! You walked away right in the middle of
my sickness!"  "Ewww!" from Lucy. "Kevin, please get away from the door
NOW!"  Behind her, Felicia is drawing stick figures at the easel.  Kevin
closes the door: "Say, can I get anyone a refreshing beverage, perhaps a
delicious snack?"  Lucy tries to say there are no snacks.  Kevin looks at
Felicia's drawings: "I'd call it minimalist."  Katherine, stuffing her
face, admires Lucy's outfit.  Lucy looks down, and she's naked! (I've had
this dream!) Felicia goes off to get her something to wear, and Lucy
snatches a tablecloth to wrap herself in.  Kevin excuses himself to go --
check on Felicia.  Lucy doesn't think that's a good idea but Mac stops
her to hold her for questioning in the abduction of Sigmund Coe Collins.
She says that's actually Collins Coe, and the duck came of his own free
will... but Sigmund isn't there.  Katherine is stuffing herself with
duck.  She belches (better than Kevin!)  Mac pulls off his shoe, which is
actually a phone.  "10-4, Roger Wilco, Over and Under, Yeah, this is
Police Commissioner Scorpio and I want an APB out on a missing duck. (to
Lucy) Haven't we done this before?"

Felicia runs out of the bedroom and jumps on Lucy: "He's coming, he's
coming, he's after me!"  Tom saunters up behind, holds up a piece of
celery, and asks: "care for a stalk?"  Kevin: "Felicia! Answer the phone!"
It rings, and she answers it, no one is there.  Kevin laughs, Felicia
runs, Kevin chases her, Katherine asks for plum sauce, Mac is still on
the shoe, describing the duck with arm and hand gestures, and Tom is
munching his celery.  Tom: "If you didn't insist on separating Kevin from
Ryan, Ryan wouldn't be out right now."  Felicia and Kevin run around
Lucy.  Lucy asks "are you Ryan?" He answers no.  Oh, good, then he's
Kevin.  No.  He's Devin.  Tom does a Sherlock Holmes impression:
"Fascinating."  Kevin, uh, Devin, says: "That guy and his secrets!  I
can't believe he didn't tell you about the rest of us -- there could be
ten, maybe twelve."  He counts on his fingers... Kevin, Devin, Evan,
Ryan, Tryin, Cryin, Dyin, Lyin, and Bruce!  Lucy is horrified and covers
her ears.  Devin excuses himself: "Gotta run."  Felicia is sharing duck
with Katherine and does not like being called by Devin.  "Oh, ALL right!"
She starts to run, he chases her.  Katherine tells Tom he must try the
duck, so he does.  Mac is still on the shoe.  Tom says "Fat little
sucker, isn't he?" and Lucy screams.

She's actually asleep on the couch and Kevin is sketching her.  Lucy
jerks awake.  Kevin says "hi."  Lucy wants to see what he's drawing.  She
doesn't believe she looks that peaceful to him considering the dream whe
was having.  He comments that she smells a little bit like apples, and
she immediately panics over the stuffing.  He pulls her back and checks.
It's her.  They kiss.  There's a tapping at the door.  Lucy worries, DID
Kevin invite anyone?  It's Sigmund (YES!!!  It's SIGMUND!!!) who
apparently forgot his key.

Later a delivery boy comes with a tray of salami and a sixpack of beer.
Lucy is watching a football game with running commentary on the
cheerleaders' outfits and the cute butts of the players, while Kevin
tries to sort out WHY there's a tray of salami and a sixpack of beer.
Lucy explains that she was worried that he was going to want these "manly
man" kind of things.  He denies he's that different and they hug and
kiss, but Lucy sneaks another peek at the game.

SINGING FOR HER SUPPER

Katherine is enthusiastic about how the meal is coming along.  Mac asks
if Miranda is in the kitchen.  Katherine says she left.  Mac is
disappointed but "Oh, well, there's always a bright side.  This way I get
to devote all my attention to the GAME!"  He clicks on the TV and asks
Katherine to get him some popcorn.

When she brings it, she tries to climb in his lap, but Mac is so
engrossed in the game he doesn't notice, jumps up to cheer and dumps her
onto the floor.  She's hurt her elbow.  Miranda, in football shirt, comes
in with beers and sits next to Mac.  They push Katherine's head down so
they can see better.  She goes off to get the doorbell.  Suddenly she's
dressed like June Cleaver, hair and all.  Pink shirtwaist, pearls, the
works.  "I'll get the door, don't anybody move now."  Miranda is in Mac's
lap and they are enjoying the game.  At the door, it's Brian kissing a
scantily-clad Lucy.  Katherine protests: "You are the Face of
Deception! She is the competition!"  "I know, I can't help it."  Lucy
sings: "He wants to marry me!"  Katherine protests that she can't marry
Brian, she's going to marry Kevin.  Miranda comments that she could marry
them both.  Lucy invites Katherine to be her matron of honor.  Suddenly
Katherine is in a cop uniform.  "Matron of honor?"  Brian, meanwhile, is
gazing at himself in a hand mirror.  "Sullen, that's my bread and butter,
don't-cha think?"  They all chorus at Katherine: "What's for dinner?"
Katherine thinks she started to cook something, and Lucy tells her that
the cook's daughter has to sing for her supper.  Katherine protests that
she doesn't sing, and Lucy counters: "I know that, but you simply must."
They all chorus: "SING!"  Katherine is in Shirley Temple outfit and
curls.  She sings and dances to Moonlight Bay while Brian, Lucy, Mac and
Miranda look on.  (Interesting the differences in Lucy's and Katherine's
nightmares.  Lucy's is a lot more detailed, and has to do more with her
fears for Kevin, while Katherine's is blunter, and about still being the
Cook's Daughter.  Both, however, feature the other as a villainess.)

Mac comes in and kisses Katherine away.  "Have I ever told you just how
innocent you look when you're sleeping?"  She tells him about her dream,
though "Lucy was there which I reckon upgrades it to a nightmare!"  Mac
comments: "You know, I'll bet you two were married in another life!"
"Ugh!  Don't even say that word!  There's far too much of that going
around if you ask me!"  They talk about Robin, who is at least with
Jason.  Miranda has made herself scarce, so they start to cuddle on the
couch, which I would have thought was a mistake, since Miranda could turn
up any time.

A HEARTWARMING INTERLUDE.

Ruby attempts to kick Sonny out of Kelly's which is closed for their
annual feed-the-poor time.  He's brought a message from Robin who is
dishing up food at a homeless shelter.  He's also brought a check, and he
tells Ruby to go get some rest, he and his henchmen will continue to
serve the meals today.

A TRADITIONAL QUARTERMAINE FAMILY THANKSGIVING

Edward is relaxing and Alan, Monica and Emily come in with some wood for the
fireplace.  It's nice and nippy and and crisp and wonderful.  They stick
the wood in the fireplace.  Alan says: "I can't wait for it to start
snowing. I just want to go sledding so badly!"  They stand in front of
the fireplace hugging and Edward says, snidely, "Let me guess.  The
Waltons!  Very good.  You keep this up all through dinner and you will
make Lila very happy."  Emily hopes they won't have pizza again.  "Mercy,
no!"  Ma Walton, uh, Monica says.  "Bite your tongue!" adds Alan.  "It's
going to be a traditional, old-fashioned Thanksgiving."  "Not so fast!"
interrrupts Reginald.  "Sonny Corinthos."  The violins play.  Sonny says,
"Tell me something, Reginald.  What is it I do that makes you so nervous
all the time?"  "Uh, I don't know, breathe maybe?"  "Nonsense," beams
Alan, who has obviously been hitting the pain pills too hard, "Sonny's a
PAL.  An Invited Guest come to spend the holiday with us."  Monica chirps
up (also on the happy pills, apparently) "And we COULDn't be more
pleased!"  Sonny tells Reginald: "I've always been a believer in libe and
let live. (but in your case, I'm prepared to make an exception.... no,
that was just the between-the-lines dialog!)  I never saw any reason why
we all just can't be friends."  He puts his hand out for Reginald to
kiss.  Edward is huffing about Sonny and that jax character stealing his
business and Sonny tells him not to take it personally, he'll have
himself another heart attack.  Emily goes to Sonny and hugs him.  "How
are you?"  "So much better now!" she responds.  (She has certainly
grown.  I know she's taller than Robin and think she's taller than Brenda.)

Justus bops on in.  "Hey! (to Sonny)  My Main MAN!"  He has all the deep
dark nasty secrets on Edward.  Sonny is delighted to know that Edward
whacked Damian Smith!  "I did no such thing!"  Sonny shows the file to
the family.  "Grandpa!"  "Edward!"  "Father!"  Ned comes in wearing an
Eastern monk's robe.  "Oh, Ned!" exclaims Edward.  "Thank God you're
here!  This whole room has gone mad!  Although I shouldn't be surprised
and I -- uh -- what the devil are you wearing, Ned?"  (Mysterious Asian
music plays)  "Ah.  Grandfather. That is precisely the point.  The devil
is no more.  All is peace.  Harmony.  Oneness in the universe.  Now that
I've discovered my spiritual path."  "Isn't that Wonderful?" beams Alan.
"GOOD for Ned!" enthuses Monica.  They applaud.

Brenda and Jax come in, wishing everyone a happy Thanksgiving.  Jax and
Sonny shake hands.  "Yo, Sonny BOY!"  "Yeah, what's the word?"
"Thunderbird."  "What's the price?"  "Eddie twice."  Edward is blustery
and baffled.  "ELQ has been taken over by cretins and imbeciles!  Now,
Ned, you have to do something!"  "I intend to," Ned replies calmly.
"Sonny, Jax, come to me, please.  I propose we donate all existing ELQ
assets to various Bensonhurst charities and start all over."  They think
this is a great idea.  Brenda remarks: "Jax and I should rummage through
all these old knickknacks and pick out some wedding gifts for ourselves,
don't you think?"  Ned agrees.  Brenda smiles at Jax: "Come allong, my
little blueberry muffin!"  Jax: "Whatever you say, sweetums."

Alan says: "Perhaps now, Father, there'll be room for me in a kinder,
gentler ELQ."  Edward isn't going down without a fight: "That'll be a
cold day in Hell."  Ned says, "The CEO position is wide open.  You and
Justus can fight it out to your heart's content."  Justus says "Oh, no,
please, please, Alan you take it, I insist.  I'm gonna work with Sonny on
his end of things."  Edward blusters "No no no, now this is unthinkable
for you to betray me like this!"  Justus says: "EDWARD!  I'm struggling
with my identity!  Today -- I'm the Rebel in the family!"  Reginald comes
bouncing in: "They're here!"  The family all assumes their positions.
It's President and Mrs. A.J. Quartermaine.  (Even SORASed, he's too
young, but never mind.)  Keesha is in pillbox hat and Chanel suit, very
Kennedy-esque.  (Of course, who would be Edward's least favorite
President between FDR and the current one?)  ("Ruffles and Flourishes"
plays.)  "My Fellow Americans: One thing that you can be certain of is
that A.J. Quartermaine likes his sweet potatoes -- with plenty of
marshmallows."  (At least till the poll data comes in: but I digress.)
Edward shouts: "This is a NIGHTMARE!" (how perceptive!) and they chorus:
"SHUT UP, EDWARD!"

Lila wheels in.  "Good news, everyone, good news!  I just spoke to
Tracy.  She's coming home, and she's bringing Dylan with her!"  Edward
covers his eyes.  Lila dimples at A.J:  "Nice to see you, Mr.
President."  Jason drives his motorcycle into the room.  Lila hopes he'll
stay for dinner.  "Oh, grandmother, I can't. I've only got enough time to
rip off a few candlesticks and meet up with my buds at the tattoo
parlor."  At this, Emily lights up.  "Oh, Alan, can I go, PLEEEEASE. I've
been dying to get 'Quartermaines rule' tattooed on my thigh!"  Alan
beams: "Of course you can, my precious girl!"  Edward asks: "Have you all
gone stark staring mad?"  He tells Emily that she's not setting one foot
out of the house with that hoodlem.  Emily sweet-talks him: "Ah, Edward,
I would rethink that position. You see, Justus and Sonny have taught me
to use surveillance equipment and I've taped all your private
conversations.  If I don't get my way, I'll turn them all over to Dara
Jensen."  Monica says, "I'm so proud of you, Emily!"  Alan agrees:  "A
True Quartermaine at last!"  Keesha informs them that the CIA has checked
into Edward's background.  It turns out he has another illegitimate son.
That's enough for Lila: "That's IT!  Dominican Republic, here I come!"
Sonny grins at Edward: "Hey-ya Pops, how's it going?"  "Oh, goodie," says
Prince Charming.   "I've always wanted another brother!  jimmie Lee Holt
never made it for me!  Sonny!  My bro!"  They hug.

Monica was having so much fun she forgot to give Edward his medical
results.  It's Good News!  He needs surgery right away!  "What for?"  "It
doesn't matter."  Alan's hand is all fixed and he's ready.  Alan puts his
claw up: "Gee, Monica, ya think?"  He hopes he remembers how to do
surgery.  "It's like falling off a bike," Jason comments.  Alan has a
bright idea: "You (to Jason) used to be premed, would you like to
assist?  What do you think?"  "I don't know.  Sonny?  What do I think?"
Sonny thinks it'd be great, and Justus agrees that "having a henchman
with surgical skills could prove invaluable."  "Cool," Jason enthuses.
They gather around Edward.

He mumbles and mutters.  He's asleep in the chair with Reginald and Lila
watching him.  Reginald asks: "You think we should wake him?"  Lila
thinks "might as well let him sleep while he can."

Edward wakes up with Lila watching.  Ned comes in: "Happy Thanksgiving."
The family comes in.  Ned asks Emily if she's happy about her parents'
reconciliation.  She changes the subject.  Justus and Keesha come in, and
AJ starts to talk business till Keesha stops him.  Reginald announces
that Cook has resigned.  SOMEONE sullied her kitchen by making a peanut
butter and jelly sandwich.  "I was HUNGRY, OK?" A.J. sputters.  The
turkey is still half-frozen.  Alan says, "Well,  I think we know what
that means!"  Ned says "Make mine pepperoni!"  They start to sing while
Reginald tries to place the order.  Reginald finally says "You do this
every year!"

Happy holidays to all.